I had tried my best not to step on anybodys’ toes, but one can only be careful in so many ways. I was taken aback when a recently acquainted sister made and indirect snide remark on something I had said. Though the remarks did not have a neon sign saying “This is for you Hanifah!”, I could not help feeling as if it was in reference to what I had said at an earlier time. But I could be wrong too.  But for a while there, I saw it as a personal attack on me. If it was directed at me, then I’d have to say that whatever it was that I might have mentioned did not intend to degrade anything nor any particular situation. If it really was about me, I was surprised how the bigger picture was ignored, whereas the little sentences became magnified and twisted into an utterly different meaning. So what did I do about it? I started backtracking my steps to try and rationalise the whole thing. I tried to remember all my brief encounters with her, and what it was I might’ve said or did that could’ve lead to this bitterness. I then made assumptions on her typical “behaviours”, and confirmed it with another person who had known her longer and lived with her. So we had quite a story swapping session after that. Was this the correct way of dealing with this situation? Absolutely not! Subahanallah. As a Muslim, the Quran and the sunnah should become the main source of guidance in life. And in the midst of my raging nafs and weakened iman, I forgot the simple ayats and hadith that I had learned from the Quran and the numerous Islamic books that I’ve read.

I forgot how life itself is a constant series of test and trials…so Allah will know whom amongst his creations are best in conduct. None of my aforementioned actions reflected good conduct.  We are encouraged to assume well of others and not otherwise. I should’ve tried to view the sister’s remarks in a more positive standpoint. It might’ve not been about me? If it was about me, I might’ve sent the wrong message and did not realise it? It could’ve been a rebuke of a bad trait that I might posses and need rectifying? I shouldn’t have tried to find faults in her, but the faults in me. Even if she had some unexplainable (to me) dissatisfaction about me and was just waiting for an opportunity to jump on me, I need not fret. For Allah tries us because he wants us to become better. I should’ve sought for Allah’s guidance and help in understanding the whole situation, and to give me strength to overcome all troubles in all its forms. And if it was an attack on me, I should forgive her for her moment of weakness.

Alhamdulilah. I now realise my foolishness for allowing my nafs and iblis to decide on the course of action in this petty matter. Rabbigfirlli for the sins I have committed.

‘…and We test you (all) through the bad and the good (things of life) by way of trial…’ (Al Anbiya:35)

‘ The Mercy of Allah is not bestowed upon people among whom there is a person who severs the bonds of his kinship.’ - Saying of the Prophet Muhammad S.A.W.

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I have made so many mistakes in my life. Both apparent and behind closed doors. Both alone and amongst others. For so long, I have behaved in such a way that others might deemed as Islam merely in name. I believe that a large part of my family, friends and acquaintances would know me as the muslim girl who often donned a “hijab”, yet “liberated” in many of her ways. Such assumptions come with its own set of expectations. So any behaviour or signs that do not fit into these assumptions and expectations might actually baffle others. There’s a possibility that it could be laughed upon or even criticised.

When they see me today, I won’t be surprised if I’ll be getting a bit of…”Since when?!” if I am to wear a hijab in the presence of non mahram, or go MIA to salat. And maybe a bit of…”You’ve done it before~” if I am to disagree about a boyfriend sleeping in the same room, or refuse to go clubbing. Sure it might be a BIT easier if I was to publicise to the whole world that I’m a changed woman. But is that really a good idea? Wouldn’t I be in the risk of becoming takbar?

A part of me wants to run away from those people who knew me as that hypocrite. Minimise my interaction with them so that they won’t have any room to make fun of me or criticise me.  Leave that huge part of my life and everything else that came with it. That escape route is wide open, and very inviting.  Though over time, I realised that I don’t have to prove myself to them or anybody else. I only need to prove myself to Allah. Let people talk…let them ridicule me. As long as I’m repenting my past since. That today I’m striving towards making my every action, and my every words nawaitu lillahi ta’ala.  Insya Allah.

“And seek assistance through patience and prayer” (Hud: 45)

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As of lately, life has become a distraction. Settling down comes with an inevitable list of to-do list. Sometimes (or most of the time), that mental to-do list occupies a significant portion of the daily cognitive processings. It’s distracting. This is probably what people mean by terlalu kedunia-duniaan (i.e. to engrossed with worldly stuff). Astaghfiraullahhalazim. Astaghfiraullahhalazim. Astaghfiraullahalazim.

I need time to sit and just reflect. Reflect long and hard. If time doesn’t seem to be on my side, I will just have to MAKE the time.

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My iman is wavering, and yes it is scaring me. This is what I have been fearing the most. Far from the company of people with iman. Away from other reminders of my faith and the Right way of life. Only moments ago, I delayed my solat Subuh because I was too busy talking with a friend.  To make matters worse, we were gossiping. I might have not contributed much to the conversation, but I can’t say that I’m completely innocent as well. I listened, and I entertained. I made comments and I told her what I knew. It was a total waste of time.

My weakness is showing. In the company of people who have a different way of life weakens me. I need to be strong enough to stand alone and fight these temptations. I need to spend more time with my Creator. I’ve been too busy with settling down at this new place. I haven’t had any time alone, let alone an extra time with Allah. Astaghfiraullahalazim. Astaghfiraullahalazim. Astaghfiraullahalazim.

Ya Allah, Ya Ghaffur…forgive this weak servant for her negligence and half-heartedness in doing what’s right, and staying away from what’s wrong.

Ya Allah, Ya Haq…please give me the strength to fight the evil that’s inside me and the evil that surrounds me. 

Amin…Amin…Amin…Ya Rabbla’lamin. 

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Praise to Allah for letting me breath another day. To let me live a bit longer, so that I’d have a little bit more time to do more righteous deeds and seek for His Mercy and Grace.  Subahanallah. Alhamdulilah. Allahu Akhbar.

These past 2 days have been a bit….”challenging”….for me.  Like I’ve mentioned before, I am fighting a constant battle with my own emotions. It’s just so easy to REACT to something without much thought into it. Somebody drives out from a junction without looking left and right; and it’s just so easy to get annoyed. Somebody says something really heartfelt and touching; it’s just so easy shed those precious tears. Somebody mentions a name that someone who used to mean so much to you; it’s just so easy to feel sad, angry or a whole whirlpool of emotions. If emotions stay INSIDE, maybe it’s a bit easier to handle. But when it makes you want to DO something…it gets a bit difficult. You just don’t know whether what you have done, are about to do, or are thinking about is right or wrong. When this rationality is too clouded with emotions, nothing can ever be clear *sighs*

So here I am. Containing. Containing. Containing. Trying to keep my thoughts and feelings in check through my prayers and a change in perspective. Trying not to go overboard with anything that I might decided to do, if any. Insya Allah.

“He who created death and life, that He may try which of you is best in deed…” - Al Mulk: 2

 ”Not a single mu’min is faced with anxiety, tiredness and sadness other than for Allah to abrogate his sins.” - Saying from the Prophet Rasulullahu alaihi wassalam.

“Whoever Allah chooses to become better, certainly Allah will try him.” - Al Hadith

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My morning began with deciding what to wear to a formal function. The short baju kurung fesyen or the traditional baju kurung? Of course the best choice would be the clothing that would cover the aurah, true? I can’t believe that I even had to think about that! Shame on me. Yes, I opted for the long traditional baju kurung and felt very comfortable wearing it.

Then during the function, came another little test of faith. There I was, sitting on the womens’ side of the hall surrounded by other women who were wearing really fancy baju kurung/fesyen/whatever with really fancy studs, embroidery and other bling bling…and really fancy shoes…and really fancy handbags. Even the friend I was sitting next to was all dolled up and glamourous. Yes, for those few seconds I felt small, inferior and unattractive. Then I thought…Hold on there a minute. Why should I worry about looking “unattractive” compared to the other girls in the room? Why should I envy those who are wearing tight fitting clothes even when they’re donning their hijab? Why should I admire those who spend so much on make-up, desinger handbags, and stillethos? I dress the way I did because of Allah. I shouldn’t dress because I want to please others, but dress to please Allah. Screw with what people might think. My purpose in life is to seek Allah’s mercy and grace. I want to repent my past sins that I have committed so often and so carelessly. Though as human beings we can never escape from committing sins, but I have made some really serious ones. I fear that the balance is too heavy to the left. I fear for Allah’s wrath for my past mistakes. I fear for the day of reckoning. I’m now trying my best to strenghthen my iman and prepare for  tests that may and will come to me from now onwards. So after realising my 2nd mistake, I said my istighfar…over and over again. Not long after that, I was calm and at peace with myself and my surroundings once again.

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I think my biggest challenge is myself. My emotions, my rationale, my behaviour. Some people are tested in the form of situations. My last “situational” test of faith was what had gotten me here. That was when Allah gave me his hidayah, and I finally accepted it. Since then on, I’ve been much quicker in seeing the hikmah in every situation, both good and bad. However, at times my iman wavers. Sometimes, it may not show in my actions, but it would be clear in my salat. Like today, it was just so easy to get distracted while performing my salat. Astaghfiraullahhalazim! I feel very afraid and ashamed each time this happens. I fear that Allah would become angry and not accept my amalan. So after salat, I recited zikrallah to sought after Allah’s mercy and acceptance.

My mistake today was not to ensure that I was calm before performing my salat. I stressed on the word “ensure” because I knew I was not calm, but I didn’t go that extra mile to get rid of it completely. I did my usual rituals and recitations before my salat which often helped me achieve khusyu’, however today it just wasn’t enough. How could it be enough when my mind and heart was still wondering around? Shame on me for my complacency! Khinzab must’ve been really proud with himself. Khinzab is the syaitan who is always with us in our salat. He is one of the reasons why we would sometimes become distracted or doubt ourselves in our prayers. With this realisation, I hope that I will learn from this. I will have to keep reminding myself that I should be 100% calm before I face Allah in my daily prayers. Insya Allah.

Below are a few things that I usually do to ensure kusyu’ in my salat (it works..honest!):

1. When we are performing ablution, there is a syaitan named Al Hulahan who laughs at us. Thawus said that “he is a very evil syaitan. He is the first to arouse apprehension in us. So with that in mind (but was out of mind for me today), we should try extra hard to protect ourselves from the tiny whispers of these troublemakers while performing ablution. I find it very helpful to say it in my heart the different cleansing processes that also takes place with each stage. For instance, when I wash my mouth, I’d think to myself, “I cleanse myself from all the sinful things I have said”. Then, when I was my ears, I’d think to myself, “I cleanse myself from all the sinful things I have heard”…and so on (FYI, today this whole thing slipped from my mind. Sighs).

2.  Say, “audzubillah himina syaitonirojim” and spit 3 times over the left shoulder.

3.  Say “astaghfiraullah” and salawat as many as I can until I am calm.

4.  Recite surah An-Nas to seek Allah’s protection from all things evil.

5. Iqamah.

When I know that there’s too many things in my mind, I do a few things extra such as reciting an invocation specially to calm myself before standing and doing all the things mentioned above. Yes, this is something that conveniently slipped out of my mind today due to my own carelessness. Here’s one that I usually use:

Dua to extinguish the feeling of agitation

U’idzubekaleemaa teellahettammaati nub ghadobeehe waqoo beehewasharee e’baadih, wamin hamazaa tishhayaa teeni wa anyahdoruun.

“I seek protection by invoking Allah’s pen (kalam Allah) that’s perfect and far from His anger, His sufferings, the evil in His servants, from the disturbances of syaitan and when they come to me.” (This is the best I can do with the translation in English. Hee hee)

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Today is his day. It’s hard. I keep wanting to do something in hope that things would be better. That things could go back to the way they once were.

Ya Allah. Please help me get through today. Please don’t let me do anything that I would regret. Please give me patience and perseverance to get through this day. Amin..Amin…Ya Rabbla’almin…

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