Dearest Hanifah,

The next time you’re angry, don’t storm out of that room of yours and start ranting. Don’t go on and further dwelling on the issue. Don’t start saying things that you might regret. Instead, you should’ve…

1. …said Audzubillahi minasyaitaanirrajim to ward off the whisperings of syaitan…because you KNOW syaitan is there when you are angry. So eagered to whisper words of encouragement for you to commit more sins;

2. …make your wudhu with khyusu’, for the water would further extinguish that anger in you;

3. …perfomed a sunatal hajati, or sunatal istikharah and seek for Allah’s guidance and help on the right way of dealing with the situation…because you KNOW that Allah will give and show you the answer.

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Today, I found myself making up stories i.e. creating seemingly harmless scenarios for passers by, and describing the weather as crap i.e. an adjective to describe the rainy weather.

Astaghfirallahalazim.

I might not cuss or swear like most, but what I did are not any better…maybe even worse! We’re not even allowed to make up stories just so that we could make people laugh! What more create stories just for self amusement! And me calling the weather crap just because it was raining non stop? Subhanallah. That’s like me cursing Allah’s blessing…cursing what Allah has given to me…His Qadar. Astaghfirallahhalazim. How could I have been so careless? So unappreciative!

Ya Allah, Ya Ghaffur…please forgive this ignorant, absent minded and ungrateful servant..

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I had tried my best not to step on anybodys’ toes, but one can only be careful in so many ways. I was taken aback when a recently acquainted sister made and indirect snide remark on something I had said. Though the remarks did not have a neon sign saying “This is for you Hanifah!”, I could not help feeling as if it was in reference to what I had said at an earlier time. But I could be wrong too.  But for a while there, I saw it as a personal attack on me. If it was directed at me, then I’d have to say that whatever it was that I might have mentioned did not intend to degrade anything nor any particular situation. If it really was about me, I was surprised how the bigger picture was ignored, whereas the little sentences became magnified and twisted into an utterly different meaning. So what did I do about it? I started backtracking my steps to try and rationalise the whole thing. I tried to remember all my brief encounters with her, and what it was I might’ve said or did that could’ve lead to this bitterness. I then made assumptions on her typical “behaviours”, and confirmed it with another person who had known her longer and lived with her. So we had quite a story swapping session after that. Was this the correct way of dealing with this situation? Absolutely not! Subahanallah. As a Muslim, the Quran and the sunnah should become the main source of guidance in life. And in the midst of my raging nafs and weakened iman, I forgot the simple ayats and hadith that I had learned from the Quran and the numerous Islamic books that I’ve read.

I forgot how life itself is a constant series of test and trials…so Allah will know whom amongst his creations are best in conduct. None of my aforementioned actions reflected good conduct.  We are encouraged to assume well of others and not otherwise. I should’ve tried to view the sister’s remarks in a more positive standpoint. It might’ve not been about me? If it was about me, I might’ve sent the wrong message and did not realise it? It could’ve been a rebuke of a bad trait that I might posses and need rectifying? I shouldn’t have tried to find faults in her, but the faults in me. Even if she had some unexplainable (to me) dissatisfaction about me and was just waiting for an opportunity to jump on me, I need not fret. For Allah tries us because he wants us to become better. I should’ve sought for Allah’s guidance and help in understanding the whole situation, and to give me strength to overcome all troubles in all its forms. And if it was an attack on me, I should forgive her for her moment of weakness.

Alhamdulilah. I now realise my foolishness for allowing my nafs and iblis to decide on the course of action in this petty matter. Rabbigfirlli for the sins I have committed.

‘…and We test you (all) through the bad and the good (things of life) by way of trial…’ (Al Anbiya:35)

‘ The Mercy of Allah is not bestowed upon people among whom there is a person who severs the bonds of his kinship.’ - Saying of the Prophet Muhammad S.A.W.

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My iman is wavering, and yes it is scaring me. This is what I have been fearing the most. Far from the company of people with iman. Away from other reminders of my faith and the Right way of life. Only moments ago, I delayed my solat Subuh because I was too busy talking with a friend.  To make matters worse, we were gossiping. I might have not contributed much to the conversation, but I can’t say that I’m completely innocent as well. I listened, and I entertained. I made comments and I told her what I knew. It was a total waste of time.

My weakness is showing. In the company of people who have a different way of life weakens me. I need to be strong enough to stand alone and fight these temptations. I need to spend more time with my Creator. I’ve been too busy with settling down at this new place. I haven’t had any time alone, let alone an extra time with Allah. Astaghfiraullahalazim. Astaghfiraullahalazim. Astaghfiraullahalazim.

Ya Allah, Ya Ghaffur…forgive this weak servant for her negligence and half-heartedness in doing what’s right, and staying away from what’s wrong.

Ya Allah, Ya Haq…please give me the strength to fight the evil that’s inside me and the evil that surrounds me. 

Amin…Amin…Amin…Ya Rabbla’lamin. 

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Most of the time, I’m alright. I’d be fine. I’d be ok. But sometimes…just sometimes…I can’t help but feel so much sadness. I’d remember what I went through…I’d remember what I have lost…and I’d be reminded of the battles that I still have to fight for.

So sometimes…just sometimes..I’d feel sad and tired. I’d feel emotions that have become unfamiliar, so unfamiliar that I forgot how to deal with them. At times like these, I’m glad I am a muslim. I am glad I have Allah, the Quraan and the Sunnahs to turn to. I’m glad that the Islamic teachings have provided guidence for us at times like these. Islam just seem to have the answer to all of life’s questions. If only all of us could have realised that.

حَسْبُنَا اللّهُ وَنِعْمَ الْوَكِيلُ

“Allah is enough for us; and how excellent a guardian is He!”

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You know what’s hard? Refraining the self from gossiping, talking about others and everything else that is related to all that. Why do women even gossip, anyway? How did we even turn into these creatures? I used to be a real gossip monger. Serious. I used to know quite a lot of things about other people (and I sort of still do now because people just seem to like telling me stuff), and it was a habit of mine to convey these stories to others I knew. I just gossip by default. Sometimes  (or maybe most of the time), a significant part of my conversations would consist of “The Life of Others”. Of course, I had others who would join in the fun. Living in a small country and community, you tend to know almost everybody and anybody…well at least, know OF them.

Now that I know better, I try my best to self-monitor my mouth when I’m speaking to others. Though, I admit I am not 100% gossip free, but I am now more conscious when I do happen to talk about others. Surrounding myself with others who I could talk about things that actually do matter helps alot. Productive talking works. Staying away from other well known gossipers helps too.

So here’s my question…what do you do with your REALLY close friends who lack iman (very much), or non-muslims? I mean, I don’t want to cut them off totally from my life just because I’ve changed. The only thing I can think of is by limiting my outings with them. And of course, by improving my own iman so I can withstand any negative influences that is against what I believe in.

My latest gossip-free session challenge will be tomorrow. Pray for me!

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