You know how it is with us ladies? The “off-time” whereby we can’t pray, or touch/read the Quran and all that? I don’t know about other people, but that’s when I become anxious and hope that the “off-time” would be as brief as possible. Mine usually takes up 1 week, and 1 week is just waaaaaaayy toooo loooongggg for me.

But there’s an upside to all of this “off time”, which is…once everything goes back to normal, the 1st prayer feels like the BEST prayer. I’d usually get all giddy with excitement like a girl on a first date…nervous and anxious to meet the boy. You know how it is when you’re just bursting to say something to your best friend, or just want somebody you trust to talk to…but you have to hold it in for a week. So once your best friend is finally there, it’s like an opportunity to finally let it out. Well, that’s how it is for me after each break. If only I had that much passion for each salat. I’ll get there one day, insya Allah :)

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Last Monday, I bumped into a sister at the Uni masjid. She asked me if I was going to attend the lecture. So I thought, “There’s a lecture?” :O So from that brief meeting, I gathered that they have a lecture every Monday at the Uni masjid. I attended last night’s lecture and, masya Allah, it almost brought tears to my eyes. No words can describe how HAPPY I was. Finally, after weeks of living in this foreign country, I finally felt like “home”. I finally felt “content”. Finally, I was amongst other fellow muslims who share the same passion for Islam.

Last night’s lecture was an overview of Surah Ar-Rahman. The main message of that surah is that we should be thankful for all the bounties given to us by Allah. Our life is surrounded by the blessings from Allah - having being born as a muslim, the food we eat, the ability to talk and see, the difficult situations we are sometimes faced with. Thus, we should ALWAYS give our thanks to Allah by doing dzikir - subanallah walhamdulilah walaailahaillallah waulahuakbar - and performing other ibadah. One of the advice that I think is worth sharing is whereby in terms of dunya, we should compare ourselves with those who are less “fortunate” than us, so that we could be thankful for our current situation. Whereas in terms of akhirah, we should always compare ourselves against those who does more amalan than us so that we’d strive to do more than them.

The Uni’s Islamic Society (ISOC) has a weekly sisters’ halaqah too at a sister’s house. Will be coming to my first one this coming Thursday. And who would’ve thought that the venue would be just 2 seconds away from where I live? Alhamdulilah. I take this as a sign from Allah. I believe that THIS is the path that Allah wants me to take.  THIS is what he wants me to do. Insya Allah.

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I had tried my best not to step on anybodys’ toes, but one can only be careful in so many ways. I was taken aback when a recently acquainted sister made and indirect snide remark on something I had said. Though the remarks did not have a neon sign saying “This is for you Hanifah!”, I could not help feeling as if it was in reference to what I had said at an earlier time. But I could be wrong too.  But for a while there, I saw it as a personal attack on me. If it was directed at me, then I’d have to say that whatever it was that I might have mentioned did not intend to degrade anything nor any particular situation. If it really was about me, I was surprised how the bigger picture was ignored, whereas the little sentences became magnified and twisted into an utterly different meaning. So what did I do about it? I started backtracking my steps to try and rationalise the whole thing. I tried to remember all my brief encounters with her, and what it was I might’ve said or did that could’ve lead to this bitterness. I then made assumptions on her typical “behaviours”, and confirmed it with another person who had known her longer and lived with her. So we had quite a story swapping session after that. Was this the correct way of dealing with this situation? Absolutely not! Subahanallah. As a Muslim, the Quran and the sunnah should become the main source of guidance in life. And in the midst of my raging nafs and weakened iman, I forgot the simple ayats and hadith that I had learned from the Quran and the numerous Islamic books that I’ve read.

I forgot how life itself is a constant series of test and trials…so Allah will know whom amongst his creations are best in conduct. None of my aforementioned actions reflected good conduct.  We are encouraged to assume well of others and not otherwise. I should’ve tried to view the sister’s remarks in a more positive standpoint. It might’ve not been about me? If it was about me, I might’ve sent the wrong message and did not realise it? It could’ve been a rebuke of a bad trait that I might posses and need rectifying? I shouldn’t have tried to find faults in her, but the faults in me. Even if she had some unexplainable (to me) dissatisfaction about me and was just waiting for an opportunity to jump on me, I need not fret. For Allah tries us because he wants us to become better. I should’ve sought for Allah’s guidance and help in understanding the whole situation, and to give me strength to overcome all troubles in all its forms. And if it was an attack on me, I should forgive her for her moment of weakness.

Alhamdulilah. I now realise my foolishness for allowing my nafs and iblis to decide on the course of action in this petty matter. Rabbigfirlli for the sins I have committed.

‘…and We test you (all) through the bad and the good (things of life) by way of trial…’ (Al Anbiya:35)

‘ The Mercy of Allah is not bestowed upon people among whom there is a person who severs the bonds of his kinship.’ - Saying of the Prophet Muhammad S.A.W.

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I have made so many mistakes in my life. Both apparent and behind closed doors. Both alone and amongst others. For so long, I have behaved in such a way that others might deemed as Islam merely in name. I believe that a large part of my family, friends and acquaintances would know me as the muslim girl who often donned a “hijab”, yet “liberated” in many of her ways. Such assumptions come with its own set of expectations. So any behaviour or signs that do not fit into these assumptions and expectations might actually baffle others. There’s a possibility that it could be laughed upon or even criticised.

When they see me today, I won’t be surprised if I’ll be getting a bit of…”Since when?!” if I am to wear a hijab in the presence of non mahram, or go MIA to salat. And maybe a bit of…”You’ve done it before~” if I am to disagree about a boyfriend sleeping in the same room, or refuse to go clubbing. Sure it might be a BIT easier if I was to publicise to the whole world that I’m a changed woman. But is that really a good idea? Wouldn’t I be in the risk of becoming takbar?

A part of me wants to run away from those people who knew me as that hypocrite. Minimise my interaction with them so that they won’t have any room to make fun of me or criticise me.  Leave that huge part of my life and everything else that came with it. That escape route is wide open, and very inviting.  Though over time, I realised that I don’t have to prove myself to them or anybody else. I only need to prove myself to Allah. Let people talk…let them ridicule me. As long as I’m repenting my past since. That today I’m striving towards making my every action, and my every words nawaitu lillahi ta’ala.  Insya Allah.

“And seek assistance through patience and prayer” (Hud: 45)

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I believe that Allah’s guidance come in a multitude of ways. A sudden random thought…your father asking you to check the meaning and benefits of an asma ul husna…a dream…or a reluctance to do something or go somewhere. I think such spontaneous occurences in our life are signs from Allah. Him trying to tell us something. So I also believe that it’s our duty to try and understand the meanings behind them. As long as these hunches are not antithesis to our syaria’ and would produce positive outcomes, we should embrace what our senses are trying to tell us. What do you think?

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Assalamualaikum my brothers and sisters. I’d like to wish everybody a very blessed Aidilfitri/Eid. May Allah accept our fastings and ‘amalan. May our iman now be strong enough to withstand the temptations of our hawa and the evil that surrounds us. Amin..amin..amin…ya Rabbal’alamin.

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As of lately, life has become a distraction. Settling down comes with an inevitable list of to-do list. Sometimes (or most of the time), that mental to-do list occupies a significant portion of the daily cognitive processings. It’s distracting. This is probably what people mean by terlalu kedunia-duniaan (i.e. to engrossed with worldly stuff). Astaghfiraullahhalazim. Astaghfiraullahhalazim. Astaghfiraullahalazim.

I need time to sit and just reflect. Reflect long and hard. If time doesn’t seem to be on my side, I will just have to MAKE the time.

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My iman is wavering, and yes it is scaring me. This is what I have been fearing the most. Far from the company of people with iman. Away from other reminders of my faith and the Right way of life. Only moments ago, I delayed my solat Subuh because I was too busy talking with a friend.  To make matters worse, we were gossiping. I might have not contributed much to the conversation, but I can’t say that I’m completely innocent as well. I listened, and I entertained. I made comments and I told her what I knew. It was a total waste of time.

My weakness is showing. In the company of people who have a different way of life weakens me. I need to be strong enough to stand alone and fight these temptations. I need to spend more time with my Creator. I’ve been too busy with settling down at this new place. I haven’t had any time alone, let alone an extra time with Allah. Astaghfiraullahalazim. Astaghfiraullahalazim. Astaghfiraullahalazim.

Ya Allah, Ya Ghaffur…forgive this weak servant for her negligence and half-heartedness in doing what’s right, and staying away from what’s wrong.

Ya Allah, Ya Haq…please give me the strength to fight the evil that’s inside me and the evil that surrounds me. 

Amin…Amin…Amin…Ya Rabbla’lamin. 

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Praise to Allah for letting me breath another day. To let me live a bit longer, so that I’d have a little bit more time to do more righteous deeds and seek for His Mercy and Grace.  Subahanallah. Alhamdulilah. Allahu Akhbar.

These past 2 days have been a bit….”challenging”….for me.  Like I’ve mentioned before, I am fighting a constant battle with my own emotions. It’s just so easy to REACT to something without much thought into it. Somebody drives out from a junction without looking left and right; and it’s just so easy to get annoyed. Somebody says something really heartfelt and touching; it’s just so easy shed those precious tears. Somebody mentions a name that someone who used to mean so much to you; it’s just so easy to feel sad, angry or a whole whirlpool of emotions. If emotions stay INSIDE, maybe it’s a bit easier to handle. But when it makes you want to DO something…it gets a bit difficult. You just don’t know whether what you have done, are about to do, or are thinking about is right or wrong. When this rationality is too clouded with emotions, nothing can ever be clear *sighs*

So here I am. Containing. Containing. Containing. Trying to keep my thoughts and feelings in check through my prayers and a change in perspective. Trying not to go overboard with anything that I might decided to do, if any. Insya Allah.

“He who created death and life, that He may try which of you is best in deed…” - Al Mulk: 2

 ”Not a single mu’min is faced with anxiety, tiredness and sadness other than for Allah to abrogate his sins.” - Saying from the Prophet Rasulullahu alaihi wassalam.

“Whoever Allah chooses to become better, certainly Allah will try him.” - Al Hadith

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This little miss is a bit tired tonight. Must’ve been the driving around, and the hospital PLUS clinic visits this morning. After 5 days of ‘Female Off Days’, going back to the whole fasting and at tarrawih rhythm might’ve also contribute to this tiredness. Hehe. But all is good and well, alhamdulilah :)

I’m on a race against time. I’m trying to do as many things as I can, read as many books as I can, fulfill as many cravings as I can before my leave. Will be leaving this beloved, little country very soon once again for further studies. I’ll miss my family the most *sniffles* For the past few years, I don’t feel as if I’ve spent enough time with them each year *sigh* The little sacrifices we have to make for the greater good, I suppose. I’m hoping that around this time next year, I would’ve already gained the appropriate skills and knowledge to heal this little country and its people, Insya Allah. Nawaitu lillahita’alla. I’m doing all this because of Allah. I have a bigger purpose in this life. I’m not here merely to accummulate wealth or to climb up the social ladder. I’m here to serve Allah. I’m here to do anything and everything for the sake of Allah. I’m here to make use of all the blessings He has bestowed on me, so that I can use and spend them onto the Right path. He has provided me with these capabilities, rizq and opportunites so that I could make use of it to heal my people - the ummah. I want to play some part in handling the ever increasing social problems, the narrowmindedness of the general population that’s becoming a hinderance to development, and the embarrassing practices of my people who claim themselves to be muslims. There’s so much work to be done here, and I want to prepare myself so that I could do something about it. Insya Allah.

I’m going to watch a little TV and go to sleep. Good night, beautiful people. Have a good weekend :)

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